Elena: Hello Everyone!
Crowd: Hello!
Elena: This is Serena. Everybody say hi!
Crowd: HI!
Elena: And my name is Elena.
Crowd: Hi!
Elena: And we are here to tell you where to go . . .
Serena: What to do . . .
Elena: And what not to do once the Festival has begun!
Serena: You see folks, the Festival is unlike any show you have ever seen in your whole life. So, in order to enjoy the Festival fully, there are some guidelines that you will need to follow! Okay?
Crowd: Okay?
Serena: Okay, so here we go!
Elena: Rule number one!
Serena: Rule number one!
Crowd: Rule number one!
Elena: Rule number one: You must cheer, applaud, and have an absolutely marvelous time. Let’s try it:
Crowd: Yea!
Elena: Rule number two!
Serena: Rule number two!
Crowd: Rule number two!
Serena: We have a variety of seating areas for you.
Elena: How many is a variety?
Serena: Two.
Elena: We have our ground seating area and our grandstand seating area. Folks, you may be asking yourselves ‘but how will I know where the seating areas are located?’
Crowd: Right!
Elena: I will tell you! The green flag is for our ground seating area when you walk into our theater. You will see gypsies dressed just like ourselves . . . however, not as cute . . .
Serena: Or single . . .
Elena: Or as talented as Serena or myself. They will be waving the green flag, which is for the ground seating area. You will also see the purple flag which is for our grandstand seating area. Now folks, you may also be asking yourself ‘what difference does it make?’
Crowd: What difference does it make?
Elena: Let me tell you the difference. If you choose to sit on the ground, which is what color flag?
Crowd: Green.
Elena: . . . you will practically be a part of the Festival yourselves. However, you will not be able to wear such cute costumes.
Serena: And you won’t get paid.
Crowd: Aw.
Serena: Not that we get paid much anyway.
Elena: If you choose to sit in the grandstand seating area, which is what color flag?
Crowd: Purple.
Elena: . . . you will see the Festival as it unfolds before your very eyes.
Crowd: Ooooooo.
Serena: I have a question!
Elena: Yes, Serena?
Serena: Okay, I have a little baby and I want to take him into the show. But because he’s so small, I want to have him in the stroller. Can I bring the stroller inside?
Elena: No! Our Festival does not accommodate strollers. So, if you do have a stroller in the lobby, which is where you guys are at, please remove your personal belongings . . .
Serena: Including your child . . .
Elena: Park it to the side, and one of the gypsies will park it across the street for you.
Serena: I have another question!
Elena: Yes, Serena?
Serena: I forgot to eat breakfast before I came here today. I’m feeling a little hungry, and a little thirsty. Can I bring food inside with me?
Elena: Yes, you can. We do allow food and drink inside the theater, on one condition: that you bring enough for Serena and myself.
Serena: See, I’m kinda skinny, and I need to gain a little weight. Oh, I have another question!
Elena: Yes, Serena?
Serena: I’ve eaten, and I handled that little stroller problem earlier. But now I’m feelin’ a little nicotine fit coming on. Can I smoke once inside?
Elena: No! You are not allowed to smoke in the lobby, in the theater, or in the exit. If you do choose to smoke, we will assume that you are on fire, and we will put you out!
Serena: Oh! I forgot about something . . . I don’t know how I could forget about this. I need to go use the little girl’s room. Where’s the restroom?
Elena: The restroom is conveniently located in our barn. Please use it now, not right here, but before you go inside the theater. Because once you are inside the theater and the Festival has started, then you are truly a captive audience. It is very difficult to get in and out of the theater once the Festival is going on. So, be make sure you use the restroom before entering the theater.
Serena: How long does the Festival last?
Elena: The Festival lasts about twenty-five minutes. Rule number three!
Serena: Rule number three!
Crowd: Rule number three!
Elena: Rule number three is: You may not stand, sit, eat, drink, check your makeup, check your pagers, check your cellphones, change your diapers, clip your toes or pick your nose in the marked off areas! Why, you may ask?
Crowd: Why?
Elena and Serena: Because we like you.
Elena: Insert pity clap.
Serena: M-O-U-S-E.
Elena: I don’t write them, I just get paid to say them. Okay, and now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for -- NO, you’re not getting in yet --The final rule!
Serena: The final rule!
Crowd: The final rule!
Elena: And that is the final rule, folks. Vocal participation is important.
Serena: Nay, it is essential!
Elena: Clopin, our director, will be calling for a cheer over here!
Crowd: Yea!
Serena: A loud outbursting scream over here!
Crowd: Aaaaahhhh!
Elena: How about a big bravo down the center?
Crowd: Bravo!
Serena: How abut a loud outbursting cheer from everybody?
Crowd: Yea!
Elena: And now, ladies and gentlemen, that wraps it up for us. If you have enjoyed this little thing we’ve done for you today, this is Serena, and I am Elena. If you did not, this is Tweedle-Dee, and I’m Tweedle-Dum, and thank you for riding Alice in Wonderland.
The two gypsy girls, after waving good-bye, disappear for a few moments. The large curtains which block the view into the theater are raised and the two girls, along with many assistants, prepare to escort the waiting audience into the seating area.
Ladies and gentlemen, The Hunchback of Notre Dame Festival of Fools will begin in just a few minutes. For the comfort of all of our Guests, smoking is not allowed in the Festival Arena Also, for the safety of our performers, please do not use flash photography during the performance.
Bearded Vexilator: It is now the time for the Festival of Fools!
Vexilator 1: Hello!
Crowd: Yea!
Vexilator 2: Hello! Are you ready?
Vexilator 3: Haha!
Vexilator 1: Bonsoir!
Vexilators: Good Evening!
Bearded Vexilator: Welcome to the Festival . . .
Vexilator 1: of . . .
All: Fools!
Vexilator 2: Introducing the finest band of gypsy performers in the world!
Vexilator 3: They can sing . . .
Bearded Vexilator: They can dance . . .
Vexilator 1: After all, folks, they're from France . . .
Vexilator 2: The Troupe des Fools!
Crowd: Hooray!
Bearded Vexilator: Allow us to introduce ourselves. We are . . .
Vexilators: The Vexilators!
Bearded Vexilator: To vexilate . . .
Vexilators: is to bear flags.
Vexilator 3: Ladies and Gentlemen, notice our flags.
Vexilator 3: During the course of the entertainment, these flags will be prominently displayed.
Gypsy Woman 1: Well, I should say so!
Vexilator 1: They will direct your attention to each important theatrical moment.
Vexilator 4: For instance, if the scene is to take place over there, a flag will direct your attention to the fact that . . . something over there is going to take place.
Vexilator 1: In other words, follow the bouncing flags!
Bearded Vexilator: Ah, you're new to the Troupe, aren't you?
Gypsy Woman 1: He never does that to me!
Bearded Vexilator: Sorry.
Vexilator 2: Our story this evening will feature several actors in rather prominent roles.
Vexilator 3: Let's see, we cast the soldiers . . .
Soldiers: Aye aye, sir!
Vexilator 3: Peasants . . .
Peasants: That's us!
Vexilator 3: Scurvy knaves . . .
Knaves: At your service!
Gypsy Woman 2: Oh, oh, but what about Esmeralda?
Vexilator 3: Quiet please, we'll have to have an audition. Try this line: ‘Get your filthy hands off me you pig.’
Vexilator 1: Ah, but she must have the fire.
Vexilator 3: Yes.
Vexilator 2: And the spirit!
Gypsy Woman 2: Getyourfilthyhandsoffmeyoupig? How's that?
Vexilator 3: Show's closing. Next!
Gypsy Woman 1: Get your hands off my filthy pig!
All: Hahaha
New Girl: Get your filthy hands off me you pig. If you ever touch me again I'll . . .
Vexilator 3: You! The new girl . . . step forward please!
New Girl: No, no, you don't understand. I . . .
Vexilator 1: The fire's there, but . . . I wonder if she has the spirit.
Bearded Vexilator: Let me see some spirit.
New Girl: Ha!
Bearded Vexilator: Works for me!
Peasant Man 1: I haven't had a fever like this since the plague!
Vexilator 2: Spirit to spare!
Vexilator 1: What do you say, folks? Let's see a show of hands for Esmeralda!
Crowd: Woohoo!
Esmeralda: But who will play Phoebus?
Vexilator 3: Good question!
Bearded Vexilator: Who as the strength, the bravery, the good looks, to play the part of Phoebus, Captain of the Guard? That sounds like a role for me . . . what do you say girls?
Bad Gypsy: Perfect casting . . . all brawn, very little brain.
Vexilator 3: Ah, that brings us to our villain,. Who could possibly play the Minister of Justice, Claude Frollo?
Peasant Man 2: He should play him!
Peasants: Him!
Knaves: Him!
All: Him!
Bad Gypsy: Yes, I'll play Frollo!
Frollo: I hate the gypsy vermin with every bone in my body.
Crowd: Boo!
Vexilator 3: Our last bit of casting includes you, the audience.
All: Bravo!
Vexilator 3: At various times, you will be asked to participate in the show by our director!
Vexilator 1: Um, where *is* our director?
Old Lady: Gentlemen?
Vexilators: Yes?
Old Lady: Haven't you forgotten someone?
Vexilator 2: Stay out of the street madame, it's for your own safety!
Vexilator 3: Call the Guards!
All: Guards, guards!
Vexilator 3: Old woman, would you listen to me?
All: Guards, guards!
Vexilator 3: Old woman, you shouldn't be up here!
Crowd: Huzzah!
Vexilator 3: Ladies and gentlemen, presenting our director, the King of the Gypsies himself, Clopin!
Crowd: Yea!
Clopin: Bonsoir! Are we ready to begin?
Crowd: Yes!
Clopin: Ah hahahahaha! And what of the Bellringer?
Vexilator 3: He awaits your cue.
Clopin: Ah, very good! Places!
Vexilator 2: Your book, oh captain, my captain.
Clopin: The Hunchback of Notre Dame!
Clopin: Look all around and listen to our tale. See not only with your eyes, but with your heart as well.
aaaaaMorning in Paris, the city awakes to the bells of Notre Dame.
aaaaaThe fisherman fishes, the bakerman bakes to the bells of Notre Dame.
aaaaaTo the big bells as loud as the thunder, to the little bells soft as a psalm.
aaaaaAnd some say the soul of the city's the toll of the bells, the bells of Notre Dame.
Clopin: Hahahaha! Hahahahaha! Woo!
Clopin: Ah the bells, they are beautiful no? So many colors of sound, so many changing moods. Because you know, they do not ring all by themselves
Crowd: They don't?
Clopin: High in the tower lives the mysterious bellringer, the one they call half-formed, Quasimodo.
Crowd: Gasp!
Clopin: Ugly on the outside, yet beautiful within. Hahaha.
Clopin: Quasimodo stays in the belltower because he fears that people will think him a monster. All he can do is watch, envious of the life below him.
Frollo: Envious? Of beggars, killers and thieves? They're all gypsies, and I will rid the city of every last one of them.
Clopin: Ah, but Quasimodo is not the only one who is watching. The eyes of Notre Dame herself see everything in the city, and they do not forget!
Clopin: Now here is a riddle to guess if you can, sing the bells of Notre Dame:
aaaaaWho is the monster and who is the man?
All: Sing the bells, bells, bells, bells, bells, bells, bells, bells, bells of Notre Dame!
Clopin: The Festival of Fools!
Frollo: Enough of this frivolity! I'll have my men clear the area!
Crowd: Boo!
Gypsy Woman 3: But wait! The riddle . . . what of the riddle?
Clopin: Ah, to find the answer, one must attend the Festival!
Phoebus: What Festival?
All: . . . of Fools! Hahaha.
Clopin: Fool.
Frollo: Captain of the guard, I need you here immediately.
Clopin: Ah, young Phoebus. Enter the hero!
Crowd: Woohoo!
Frollo: Have you attended a peasant festival before?
All: Hmmm?
Phoebus: No, sir.
Frollo: Then this should be quite an education for you.
Clopin: The answer to our little riddle can be found at the Festival of Fools!
All: Come one, come all!
aaaa Leave your looms and milking stools, coop the hens and pen the mules.
aaaa Come one, come all!
aaaa Close the churches and the schools, it's the day for breaking rules
aaaa Come and join the Feast of . . .
Clopin: Fools! Haha!
aaaa Once a year we throw a party here in town.
aaaa Once a year we turn all Paris upside down.
aaaa Ev'ry man's a king and ev'ry king's a clown.
aaaa Once again it's Topsy Turvy Day.
aaaa It's the day the devil in us gets released.
aaaa It's the day we mock the prig and shock the priest.
aaaa Ev'rything is topsy turvy at the Feast of Fools!
All: Topsy turvy!
Clopin: Ev'rything is upsy daisy!
All: Topsy turvy!
Clopin: Ev'ryone is acting crazy.
aaaa Dross if gold and weeds are a bouquet.
aaaa That's the way on Topsy Turvy Day.
Frollo: Enjoy the peasant festival, it will be the last one you ever see!
Crowd: Boo!
Clopin: Look who's here!
Clopin: Oh look, she brought a friend!
Clopin: There goes my favorite dish: Fish!
All: Topsy turvy!
Clopin: Beat the drum and blow the trumpets.
All: Topsy turvy!
aaaa Join the bums and thieves and strumpets
aaaa streaming in from Chartres to Calais . . .
Clopin: Scurvy knaves are extra scurvy
aaaa on the sixth of ''Januervy''
All: All because it's Topsy Turvy Day!
Clopin: Come one, come all!
aaaa Hurry hurry, here's your chance. See the myst'ry and romance.
aaaa Come one, come all!
aaaa See the finest girl in France make an entrance to entránce.
aaaa Dance la Esmeralda . . . Dance!
Crowd: Woohoo!
Clopin: Ah ha! Come to me, my gypsy of fire! Wooooo!
Frollo: Look at that disgusting display!
Phoebus: If you insist, sir!
Clopin: Oh, naughty naughty!
Clopin: Isn't she beautiful?
All: Hey! Hey!
Esmeralda: Huzzah!
All: Esmeralda!
Clopin: The Troupe des Fools, take a bow!
Clopin: The Festival is fun, no?
Crowd: Yes!
Clopin: You are all happy to be here, no?
Crowd: Yes!
Clopin: Ha hahahaha! Everyone wishes to be a part of the Festival, expecially, Quasimodo.
Crowd: Awwwww.
Clopin: So pure of heart is Quasimodo, so pure of spirit, that only the voices of angels can speak of the longing that he feels for the world out there.
Angel 1: Safe behind these windows and these parapets of stone,
aaaagazing at the people down below me.
aaaaAll my life I watch them as I hide up here alone,
aaaahungry for the histories they show me.
aaaaAll my life I memorize their faces,
aaaaknowing them as they will never know me.
aaaaAll my life I wonder how it feels to pass a day,
aaaanot above them... but part of them.
Angel 2: And out there living in the sun,
aaaaGive me one day out there,
aaaaAll I ask is one to hold forever.
Angel 1 and 2: Out there where they all live unaware,
aaaawhat I’d give, what I’d dare . . .
Angels: Just to live one day out there.
Angel 3: Out there among the millers
aaaa and the weavers and their wives,
aaaa through the roofs and gables I can see them.
aaaa Ev’ry day they shout and scold and go about their lives,
aaaa heedless of the gift it is to be them.
Angel 3 and 4: If I was in their skin,
aaaa I’d treasure ev’ry instant . . .
Angel 4: Out there strolling by the Seine,
aaaa taste a morning out there,
Angels: Like ordinary men, who freely walk a-
aaaa -bout there. Just one day, and then I swear
aaaa I’ll be content with my share,
Angel 1: Won’t resent,
Angel 4: Won’t dispair,
Angel 2: Old and bent,
Angel 3: I won’t care,
Angels: I’ll have spent one day out there!
Angel 2: What better day for Quasimodo to join the throng than the Festival of Fools?
Angel 4: Where every fool wears a mask of repulsive hilarity. Ha!
Angel 1: And where Quasimodo's face is his disguise! Hahaha!
Clopin: Hahahahaha! And now, madames and messieurs, finally, here it is, your favorite part, the piéce de résistance, the crowning of the King of Fools!
aaaa Here it is, the moment you've been waiting for.
aaaa Here it is, you know exactly what's in store.
aaaa Now's the time we laugh until our sides get sore.
aaaa Now's the time we crown the King of Fools!
You all remember last year's king?
All: No!
Clopin: So make a face that's horrible and frightening.
All: No!
Clopin: Make a face as gruesome as a gargoyle's wing.
All: Yes!
Clopin: For the face that's ugliest will be the King of Fools! Why?
All: Topsy turvy!
Clopin: Ugly folk, forget your shyness . . .
All: Topsy turvy!
Clopin: You could soon be called Your Highness!
All: Put your foulest features on display, be the king of Topsy Turvy Day!
All: No!
All: No!
All: No!
Clopin: Now!
Crowd: Gasp!
Gypsy Woman 1: That's not a mask! It's his face!
Gypsy Woman 4: It's the bellringer of Notre Dame!
Clopin: Madames and messieurs, do not panic. We asked for the ugliest face in Paris and here he is: Quasimodo, the hunchback of Notre Dame!
Gypsy Woman 1: Give the King his crown!
Gypsy Man 3: And his scepter!
Clopin: Ev'rybody!
All: Once a year we throw a party here in town.
Clopin: Hail to the king!
All: Once a year we turn all Paris upside down.
Clopin: Oh, what a king!
All: Once a year the ugliest will wear a crown.
Clopin: Girls, give a kiss.
All: Once a year on Topsy Turvy Day.
Clopin: We've never had a king like this. And . . .
All: It's the day we do the things that we deplore
aaaa on the other three hundred and sixty four.
aaaa Once a year we love to drop in
aaaa where the beer is never stoppin'
aaaa for the chance to pop some popinjay,
aaaa and pick a king who'll put the ''top'' in Topsy Turvy
Clopin: Day!
All: Topsy Turvy! Mad and crazy, upsy daisy, Topsy Turvy Day!
Clopin: Quasimodo! Quasimodo!
All: Quasimodo!
Gypsy Man 3: Long live the king!
Clopin: Yes, long live the king!
Frollo: Ah, but this tainted royalty of yours has its price. Guards!
Clopin: Suddenly the fun and frivolity of the festival came to and end!
Frollo: Muwha hahahaha!
Clopin: Quasimodo tried to run, but there was no escaping Frollo's men.
Soldier 1: Where ya going, bellringer?
Soldier 2: Yeah, the fun's just beginning!
Clopin: The celebration turned to a ridicule of mockery when Frollo and his men decided to make an example out of the hopeless bellringer.
Esmeralda: Do something.
Clopin: Wait!
Frollo: Let this be a lesson to you all.
Soldier 1: Look at your king now!
All: Gasp!
Phoebus: Permission to stop this cruelty.
Frollo: In a moment, Captain. Muwhahaha!
Soldiers: Hahahahaha!
Esmeralda: Stop! Leave him alone!
Frollo: You! Gypsy girl, get back!
Esmeralda: As soon as I free this poor soul.
Esmeralda: Go!
Clopin: It was the first act of kindness Quasimodo had ever known. (insane laughter) You did it! Run Quasimodo!
Frollo: Ho-o-ow dare you defy me!
Esmeralda: You mistreat this poor boy the same way you mistreat my people!
Frollo: Guards, seize the girl and any gypsy vermin that get in your way!
Gypsy Women: Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Clopin: Oh, be careful, your boots are untied. Ah hahahaha!
Esmeralda: Oh look, ten of you and one of me . . . what's a poor girl to do?
Clopin: Hello boys!
Frollo: Captain Phoebus?
Clopin: Over there.
Frollo: Phoebus! Find the gyps-y-y-y witch, and if you have burn down all of Paris, so be it!
Crowd: Boo!
Esmeralda: No!
Soldier 3: There she is! We've found the girl!
Frollo: Hellfire, dark fire. Now gypsy it's your turn. I'm sending this unholy demon back where she belongs! Now you will burn!
Phoebus: We were not trained to murder the innocent! Frollo, you've gone mad!
All: Kyrie Eleison. Kyrie Eleison. Kyrie Eleison. Kyrie Eleison.
Frollo: Muwhahahaha!
Gypsy Man 2: Look!
Phoebus: Citizens of Paris!
Crowd: What?
Phoebus: For years Frollo has persecuted the gypsies . . .
Crowd: That's right!
Phoebus: And now he's destroying our city!
Crowd: You tell 'em Pheobee!
Phoebus: Will we allow it?
All: No!
Phoebus: Victory is ours!
All: Sanctuary!
Clopin: Everyone!
All: Sanctuary! Sanctuary!
Phoebus: Everyone!
All: Sanctuary!
Gypsy Woman 2: Everyone!
All: Sanctuary!
Gypsy Man 4: Everyone!
All: Sanctuary!
All: You can lie to yourself and your minions,
aaaa You can claim that you haven't a qualm.
aaaa But you never can run from nor hide what you've done from the eyes,
aaaa the very eyes of Notre Dame!
Frollo: And He shall smite the wicked, and plunge him into the fiery pit!
Frollo: No, no, nooooooooooo!
Evil Clopin: Three cheers for Quasimodo! Hip hip!
All: Huzzah!
Clopin: Hip hip!
All: Huzzah!
Clopin: Hip hip!
All: Huzzah!
Clopin: So here is a riddle to guess if you can, sing the bells of Notre Dame.
aaaa What makes a monster and what makes a man?
All: Sing the bells, bells, bells, bells, bells, bells, bells, bells, bells, bells, bells, bells . . .
Clopin: Whatever their pitch, you can feel them bewitch you, the rich and the ritual knells of the . . .
All: Bells of Notre Dame!
Clopin: The Festival of Fools!
Clopin: Madames and messieurs, the Troupe des Fools!
Clopin: And the Ensemble de Paris!
Clopin: The vexilators!
Clopin: And the stars of the Festival: Frollo!
Clopin: Phoebus!
Clopin: Esmeralda!
Clopin: And the hunchback of Notre Dame, Quasimodo!
Clopin: I am Clopin, your humble servant, bidding you all a fair fond adieu, adieu, adieu, adieu, adieu! Hahahaha!
