G2-9T LOOP
G2-9T
Do I have the best job or what? (Scans a case with WALL-E inside.) If someone had told me I would wind up standing in one place, all day, every day — oh, excuse me… (Clears the suitcase.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
…checking the contents of one bag after another on a seemingly endless conveyor belt, day in and day out, I’d have said, “How can I get that job?!” (Laughs.) And here I am! It’s a dream come true, let me tell you. Oh — (Clears next suitcase.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
SUPERVISOR
G2-9T, what exactly are you doing down there?
G2-9T
Oh, um, uh… I was just seeing if any of these passengers might want to apply for a job in the exciting world of spaceport security.
SUPERVISOR
Ah, I may have one available.
G2-9T
Really? What job is that?
SUPERVISOR
Yours, if you don’t get back to work!!
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
(Laughs.) He is such a kidder… I hope. (Scans and clears next case, which has a droid in it.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
Hey, who’s going to Mustafar? Anyone? I just have one question — why?!
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
That is one hot planet — it’s something like 373 degrees Kelvin. (Scans a bag with a Stitch/Figment plush inside.) Well, well, well… (Chuckles.) Well, what have we here? Seems like someone ignored the fact that animals are not allowed in checked baggage. (Presses button for case to be removed.)
COMPUTER
Quarantine. (Beeping.) All clear.
G2-9T
(To PASSENGER.) I’m sorry — no droids are allowed in this line. What? You’re not a droid? Oh. Well, my apologies. (Clears bag.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
Actually, that was a compliment. (Next bag has an Ewok inside.) What a cute toy Ewok! Some lucky youngling is getting a very nice present. (The Ewok moves, but G2-9T isn’t paying attention and clears the case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
(Next bag contains Mickey’s sorcerer hat and a broomstick.)
G2-9T
Hey, you know how I got this job? I apprenticed! Oh yeah, you have to. (Case is cleared.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
(The next case is filled with blasters.)
G2-9T
Oh boy, look at this! Someone packed a lot of hairdryers. Hm. (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
Huh, must belong to a Wookiee. Yeah, Wookiees have a lot of hair. (Chuckles.) Remember, at Star Tours, safety is always number one. (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
Or number three… Wait, wait, wait… No, I think fun should be number one. You know the best thing about working at Star Tours? Nothing ever goes wrong — wrong — (Glitches.) wr – wr— wr — wrong! (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
Anyway… Where you all off to today? Well, safe travels, my friends, and — (Boxer shorts covered in hearts appear in next case.) Whoa!! Ho, ho… Fashion alert! Look at these beauties! (To PASSENGER.) Excuse me, sir — yes, you. Are these yours? I thought so. A little honeymoon on Tatooine, have we? Hmm? Well you have a lovely trip. (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
SUPERVISOR
G2-9T, stop talking to the passengers, and get back to work!
G2-9T
Yes sir! Right away sir! (Next case contains a droid.) Anyway… where were we? Oh yes. Tatooine. Mm-hm! Tatooine is lovely this time of year. You will have the time of your life. But, little tip: don’t forget the sunscreen. Twin suns. (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
(Next case has another droid, this time with Mickey Mouse ears.)
G2-9T
Wow, that’s something you don’t see every day! Actually, I do… every day. (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
It’s a mouse droid. (Stormtrooper helmet appears in the next case.) Hold it right there! Yep. I know what this means — someone’s going to a costume party! I see a lot of these these days. Must be a lot of parties in the galaxy. (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
(Next case contains what looks like an open bear trap.)
G2-9T
Huh, I wonder what that is. (The trap snaps shut.) Oh, huh, it’s a trap. (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
Here comes another one! (A football helmet/tennis racquet and other gear are in the next case.) Wow, I don’t know what that is… but it looks like foul play to me. I’m not gonna play around… Computer, destroy. (Football helmet/tennis racquet is destroyed.)
COMPUTER
Destruction complete. (G2-9T clears case.) Cleared.
G2-9T
I’m getting a message from Lost and Found, excuse me. (Repeating message.) Mr. Hutt, we’ve located your gold bikinis. Mr. Jabba the Hutt. (Clears next case without looking, even though it is filled with swords, a hook, and other pirate gear.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
Uh, are you Mr. Hutt? You have nothing to fear with me on the job! (Next case contains blasters.) I am ever-vigilant. I’ve been programmed to ensure that nothing escapes my notice. My sensors are on constant alert for the slightest sign of danger. You can all fly easy knowing that I am your last line of defense. (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
Oops! I forgot to check that last bag… (Next case is full of droid parts, which look a lot like G2-9T, including eyes that blink.) Oh well I’m sure it was fine. I wonder what happened to G2-5T — my relief droid. (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
Good looking! Looked just like me… Gosh, I hope he didn’t get sacked. (Next case contains droid arms.) Yep, I am always on the lookout for illegal arms. (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
(To PASSENGER.) Hey, you — yeah, you! You remind me of someone really famous — Jar Jar Binks. (Next case contains Wookiee crossbow.) Meesa thinks you must hear that all the time! (Laughs and clears case without looking.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
(Next case contains musical instruments.)
G2-9T
Ever get a song stuck in your circuits? (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
I’ve got one. (Hums the first two phrases of the Mos Eisley Cantina Theme. Next case has a lightsaber inside.) Oh, look — a flashlight! Hmm… yup. Always good to have one of those in case the power goes out. (Lightsaber turns on.) And you think about that next time, ’cause I bet you didn’t pack one. (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
(Next suitcase is full of mechanical gloves.)
G2-9T
Whew, sure are a lot of bags today… I could really use a hand. (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
What do you know? It’s break time! (Next case contains a PIT DROID playing on a tablet.) Good thing, though, ’cause all this working is a real drain of my batteries. I’ll just take five and be as good as new. (Powers down as alarm sounds.)
COMPUTER
Scanner alert! (PIT DROID drops the tablet and curls into a ball. G2-9T stays powered down.) Scanner alert! Alert! Alert! Alert! (G2-9T powers back up and yawns.)
G2-9T
Hey, I didn’t miss anything, did I? I hope not. (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
(Alarm goes off again, as several bags in a row go by without being scanned.)
G2-9T
Oh no! Now they won’t stop!
SUPERVISOR
G2-9T, what’s going on down there?
(G2-9T frantically presses buttons until the conveyor belt reverses and begins scanning again.)
G2-9T
Uh… everything’s under control. Situation normal. (Awkward chuckle.)
SUPERVISOR
What happened?
(Next case contains a Jedi training ball, which shoots around the case.)
G2-9T
Uh, everything’s perfectly all right now, we’re — we’re fine. We’re all fine here now, thank you. (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
(To SUPERVISOR.) Uh, how are you?
SUPERVISOR
G2-9T, I’m getting all kinds of warning signals that bags are not being checked — (Wall-E appears in the next case.)
G2-9T
(Turning off communication with SUPERVISOR.) Boring conversation anyway. (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
(Next case contains Mad Hatter’s hat and a stack of teacups.)
G2-9T
Wow, whoever packed this bag is mad! (Shakes head and clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
(Next case contains a pair of R2-D2 Mickey Mouse ears.)
G2-9T
Appears we have a satellite receiver here. Mm-hm. Well, satellite receivers are not allowed in checked baggage… But I’m gonna let it slide this time because it’s so cute. Just don’t tell my supervisor okay? Our little secret! (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
(To PASSENGERS.) Uh, is anyone here traveling to Yavin 4 — home of the (Stage whisper.) secret Rebel base. Oops… home of the previously secret Rebel base. (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
(Laughs uncomfortably.) Have a nice flight… (Next case contains tourist gear, including a camera.) Well, what have we here? Clearly some sort of alien weapon technology. (Camera flash goes off several times.) Ah! It’s shooting at us! We’re under attack! Everyone duck! Don’t worry. Don’t worry, everyone! I’ll save the day! Destroy!
COMPUTER
Destroy. (Targets and destroys camera.) Camera destruction complete.
G2-9T
What? A what?!
COMPUTER
A camera.
G2-9T
A camera — what’s a camera? Oh you’re kidding me… someone would actually take one of those on a vacation?! Well, that’s a first. (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
(To various PASSENGERS.) You have your boarding pass? You all have your boarding pass? Please make sure you have your boarding pass handy. (Beat.) I’m kidding! You don’t need a boarding pass… (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
Welcome to Star Tours… (Next case contains various PIXAR souvenirs.) So, where are you all flying to today? Don’t — don’t shout it out all at once, okay? How ’bout you. Where are you — oh, hold on a second. (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
I would love to see the universe. Yeah… but, as you can see, I have this very important job… (Next case contains a magic wand, a large bumble bee, a net, a crustal ball, a set of skeleton keys, and a Boston Red Sox hat.) And this restraining bolt. (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
Yep, I’m not going anywhere. (Chuckles.) Anyone heading to Kashyyyk for the big holo-chess tournament? Well, a little bit of advice: let the Wookiee win. (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
Hey, who here is flying for the first time? Anyone? (Next case contains pieces of Rex the RX-24 pilot droid.) Is this your first flight? Don’t worry — there’s no need to be nervous wrecks. (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
Have a great flight. I’m sure it’ll be a smooth one. (Next case contains Goofy plush.) Is that a dog or a man?! Hm, I have no idea… It looks pretty goofy to me. (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
I love this job… and I’m good at it too! (Next case contains a cowboy hat and fiddle.) I am always vigilant. That’s right — I don’t fiddle around. No sir. (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
Hey… here comes another bag! They never stop. Never. Isn’t that great? (Case contains R2-D2. He turns his head.) I don’t know what I’d do if the bags stopped coming. Why, I’d have no purpose in life! (R2-D2 whistles.) Oh, that’s a scary thought… Let’s clear it, shall we? (Clears case without looking at it.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
Oh, I didn’t mean the bag… Oh, oh well — let it go. Clear the thought; clear the bag. Who’s gonna know? (Next bag contains a Jawa.)
SUPERVISOR
G2-9T, are you checking every bag?
G2-9T
Uh, yes sir! (Laughs uncomfortably. To PASSENGERS, sotto voce.) Wow, he is good. (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
Oh, just heard this: why do hands always travel in pairs? (Next case is full of droid hands and arms.) Because, you never see hands solo! (Laughs.) Get it? “Hands solo?!” (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
(Next case contains Chip n’ Dale.)
G2-9T
Oh, would you look at that — clones! Yeah, we get them from time to time, although these are not identical. I see a different in their noses, hm? (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
You know, you’ve got to have a head for this kind of job. (Next case contains Madame Leota’s head in her crystal ball.) Mm-hm. This one offers a chilling challenge… to find out what it is! Of course, there’s always my way. (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
(Next case contains several bluegrass instruments, including a banjo.)
G2-9T
I have no idea what this is. Not at all. But I fear it could cause a lot of pain and suffering. Therefore… (Pushes a button.)
COMPUTER
Destroy. (Banjo is destroyed.)
G2-9T
That’s music to my ears!
COMPUTER
Destruction complete.
G2-9T
Sounds good to me! (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
(Next bag contains roller blades, a skateboard a hat, sunglasses, and flip-flops.)
G2-9T
Now, this bag belongs to a strange alien creature — I believe you call it… a teenager! (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
(Next suitcase has a stormtrooper helmet and gear inside.)
G2-9T
Computer, whose bag is this?
COMPUTER
TK-421.
G2-9T
TK-421? Why isn’t he at his post? Hmm… must have a good reason. (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
(Singing to the tune of “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad.”) I’ve been looking at the same bag, all the live-long day! (Spoken.) Clear! (Clears case, which contains droid parts.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
Catchy tune… (Next case has a Goofy ear hat inside. Laughs.) Look at this. I see a lot of these — souvenir hats in the shape of Jar Jar Binks. How goofy is that? (Laughs and clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
Oh, you humans and the stuff you pack. I’ll never understand it. (Next case contains snow gear.) Who’s going to Hoth? I have one word for you: layers. (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
This security job is the best! It’s so much better than — oh, I don’t know — like, like being stuck welding old droids back together. (Next case contains a microscope and floating particles, reminiscent of Adventures Thru Inner Space.) Just reprogram me before that ever happens, right? As if it ever would! (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
You know, all Star Tours flights are non-smoking… (Next case contains Aladdin’s lamp.) And, just so you know, that applies to luggage as well. (Lamp lets out a puff of smoke as he clears the case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
Oh, I see it’s my break time! Excuse me for a moment, while I shut down… (G2-9T shuts down as PIT DROID appears in the next case, playing with toys. Alarm sounds.)
COMPUTER
Scanner alert! Scanner alert! Alert! Alert! (PIT DROID hides behind a tennis racquet.)
(G2-9T powers up and yawns.)
G2-9T
Where’s the snooze bar on this thing? (Turns off alarm.)
SUPERVISOR
G2-9T?!
G2-9T
Oh, I’m on the job! (Clears case without looking.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
SUPERVISOR
Listen up — we have reports of droids being smuggled in checked bags.
G2-9T
Oh… (Astromech droid appears in the next case.) I can honestly say that I have not seen a thing. Honestly. As if anything would ever get past me, ha! (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
(Next case contains Mickey Mouse ears.)
G2-9T
Oh, I know I’ve seen this bag before… Maybe it has a twin! (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
You would not believe how many people try to sneak droids through in their luggage, just so they won’t have to pay the duty fee. (Next case contains three BATTLE DROID heads.) But in the battle against smuggling nothing gets past me.
BATTLE DROID HEAD
Roger, roger.
G2-9T
What was that?! Oh, and my name isn’t Roger — it’s G2-9T.
BATTLE DROID HEAD
Roger, roger.
G2-9T
Okay, you can call me “Roger” if you want to. I’m easy! (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
Just a reminder: no living creatures are allowed in luggage. (Next case contains an Ewok, drumming on a Stormtrooper helmet.) And — it goes without saying — no dead ones, either. (Clears case without looking.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
Oops! (Chuckles.) I forgot to check that last bag. Oh well, I’m sure it’s fine. (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
Hello, people?! Hello! We’re not here to change the world. (Next case contains Majordomo from Captain EO.) But I am here to tell you that droids are not permitted in checked baggage. Thank you. (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
(Next case contains a laptop computer.)
G2-9T
Well what have we here? Computer, identify please.
COMPUTER
Computer.
G2-9T
I know you are, but what is that?
COMPUTER
Computer.
G2-9T
Ugh, I don’t have time for this. Destroy!
COMPUTER
Destroy. (Computer is destroyed.) Computer destruction complete. Cleared.
G2-9T
What? Oh… it was a computer. Well, why didn’t you say so in the first place?
COMPUTER
I did.
G2-9T
Oh. Well, I hope it wasn’t yours. My bad! (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
(Next case contains a Buzz Lightyear toy.)
G2-9T
Wait a second, what is this?! Do you know? I certainly don’t. But I can tell you one thing — (Buzz Lightyear wings extend.) That is not a toy. But I’ll clear it anyway. It’s cute. (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
To Tatooine and beyond! (Next case contains boots.) Just so ya know, there are no photos allowed in this area. (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
But, I’m willing to bend the rules… for you. Go ahead — take as many as you want! (Next bag contains droid parts.)
SUPERVISOR
G2-9T, are you checking every bag?!
G2-9T
Uh, yes sir! (Clears bag without looking.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
(Next case contains blasters and boots.)
G2-9T
Now what have we got here? Hm. Computer: identity scan please.
COMPUTER
Scanning. Scan complete.
G2-9T
(Reading.) Lando Calrissian… hm. Wanted in seven star systems?! Wow… (To PASSENGER.) I bet you’re wanted. I want to be wanted. I want this bag to be cleared. (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
(Next case contains Incredibles suit.)
G2-9T
Wow. Now this is what I call an incredible packing job. Take note. (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
(Next case has podracing gear.)
G2-9T
Computer: destination scan, please?
COMPUTER
Tattooine.
G2-9T
Why are so many people going to Tatooine today? Oh, I know — it’s the Boonta Eve Classic! (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
That’s the annual podrace, for those of you who’ve never been before. It’s really exciting! (Next case has various limb coverings.) And if you’re going, here’s a little tip — bet all your credits on the pilot named “Sebulba.” You can’t lose. Don’t ask me how I know. (Stage whisper.) He cheats! (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
We droids aren’t allowed to wager on such things. Oh, no. (Next case contains the head and various body parts of a PROTOCOL DROID.) And the last thing I want to do is get into trouble… ’cause I love it here. And I really want to get ahead.
PROTOCOL DROID HEAD
Shut up!
G2-9T
Oh, how rude! Who said that? Please watch your language. There are younglings here. (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
G2-9T
(Singing to the Star Wars theme, à la Bill Murray.) Star Tours, nothing but Star Tours, doo-doo-doo-doo… (Clears case.)
COMPUTER
Cleared.
(Loop begins again. Guests continue toward G2-4T, the security droid.)
G2-4T LOOP
G2-4T
(Checking screen.) Looking good here. (To PASSENGERS.) I would like to thank you all for your cooperation, but since your cooperation is mandatory, no thanks seems necessary. Keep it moving… that’s it! I see you’ve flown a million miles with us… you don’t fly very often, do you? Keep it moving, there you go. Let’s keep it moving. Keep in mind that all carry-ons must fit in the overhead compartment. (Beat.) I have just been informed that there are no overhead compartments. Well… carry on. (Checking screen.) Good. (To PASSENGERS.) Nothin’ to see here! That screen is for me to look at, not you, so keep it movin’ and stop lookin’! That’s right. To those traveling with small children… good luck with that. (Checking his monitors.) No. No. (To PASSENGERS.) In order to keep you safe, I have been programmed to recognize all forms of suspicious human behaviors, including sweating, blinking, talking, laughing, and breathing. Hm, you’re all acting very suspicious… Okay, okay, let’s keep it movin’! Keep it movin’ — unless they’ve stopped the line again. What are they doing up there? You’ll get there… I promise you. (Checking his monitors.) No.(Checking screen.) Looking good, here. (To PASSENGERS.) Thanks for stoppin’ by! Good to see ya. How are the kids? Fine game last night, huh? Nice weather we’re having. (Beat.) Just trying out my new “small talk” program — seems to be working. (Chuckles.) Honestly, I don’t know how you humans do it. How you doin’? Keep movin’. Hey, I’m afraid your flight has been canceled. I’m kidding. It’s just delayed. Indefinitely. Totally kidding. It’s on time. I guess. What flight are you? All right, keep it movin’. Excuse me! Um, uh, excuse me — did anyone drive here today in a brown landspeeder, model X-34? If you did, an angry little green guy just handed me a note for you. It says, “Parked in my space, you are. Have you towed, I will.” Okay, check. (Beat.) You would not believe what some humans try to get away with. The other day, a woman tried to waltz past me with two cinnamon buns in her hair! Everyone knows there’s no food allowed past this point. They know that. And, you’re movin’! Keepin’ it movin’! Always movin’! Sometimes stoppin’, but better when movin’. All right, keep it movin’ — one foot in front of the other… if that’s the way you’re built. That’s it. Wait! Please direct your attention to the scanner. (Indicates screen behind him.) The blue scan indicates that you’ve contracted Dagobah Smallpox. Don’t panic — droids are immune. I’ll be fine. Keep moving. Keep it movin’, humans — and try to act less suspicious. Thank you. Hm, you have that wild-eyed look of a Corellian smuggler… or even worse — a tourist. Are you sure you’re not a Rodian, because you’re coming up green on my scanner. Keep walkin’ in the same direction, that’s right. Parents, you may be asked to prove that your small children are not Jawas — thank you in advance for your cooperation. (Beat.) Hi there! How are you doing? I hope you have a nice tour! I hear the cold vacuum of space is beautiful this time of year. Enjoy it! (Beat.) Uh, ma’am, your Wookiee will have to enter in a separate line. Oh — that’s your husband. I apologize. Let’s keep it movin’, let’s keep it tight. Security is a very serious business. I do not have time to joke around. But if I did, I would tell you a very funny one about a Tusken raider, a Jawa, and an Aqualish, who was walkin’ into a cantina — but I don’t. So I won’t. So move it along. Good. As you walk through the scanner, just act natural… not like you’re acting right now. Thank you. All right, keep the line movin’. Don’t even think about trying to get away with anything. I watchin’ you — always watchin’ you. Especially you… and you. Not you, but now I am. That’s right. There you go. Switching to complimentary mode. Well don’t you look nice. That is a great outfit! Is that your original head? It’s quite becoming. Move along. Please refrain from waving — this disrupts the circuitry, as well as possibly the nose of the person standing near you. Thank you. Keep it moving. Where you headin’ — as far as you know? Well, have a nice flight… (Chuckles.) You look confused. I’ve heard you humans carry a lot of baggage… I’m not programmed to deal with your personal problems, so keep it movin’! Hey, I may look like I’m looking directly at you, but I’m actually looking at that over there. One of my many skills. Yes — I totally saw that. Keep it moving. Good. Okay. I’m sorry, but you may not bring your Jawa through here. Oh, those are your younglings… move along! Oh, wow! Wow, just when you think you’ve seen it all — one of those! (Chuckles.) Carry on. (Beat.) The ultimate job security is a job in security. Yup, that’s why I’m always here. Always. Attention, humans: there are no liquids allowed inflight. The shuttle was built by droids, who didn’t think to put in a bathroom. Keep it movin’. I know we’re all thinking about heading into space, but right now, I want you thinking about the space between you and the person in front of you — tighten it up, people! All right, keep movin’, keep movin’! When you bump in to the person in front of you, then you can stop. (Checking screen.) Good. Check. (To PASSENGERS.) According to my scanner, you have a colorful personality. Move along. Everything is moving smoothly, and that’s the way I like it. Yes, yessir. Well, look at you — you look strong enough to pull the ears off a gundark! Nah, that’s just an expression. Most creatures — including gundarks — get very mad if you pull their ears. You, uh, look confused. Keep it movin’, no funny business! If there’s one kind of business I don’t like, it’s the funny kind. (Checking his monitors.) Good. Good. (To PASSENGERS.) Wait. Put your food away! No, that’s not food — put your lightsaber away! Oh, that’s a churro… Then put your churro away! (Chuckles.) “Churro.” That’s one of those funny words that just puts a smile on my face. Hey! What are you lookin’ at? Move along! That’s it. Move along. Moving slowly… there ya go. If you are in the Coruscant system, stop at Dexter’s Diner. I get a case of oil for mentioning it. If you eat there, you might get a case of something else… Keep it movin’. (Beat.) Ladies and gentlemen… and droids… put a cap on those liquids. Last time my wires got wet, I short-circuited and wound up repeating myself every 20 minutes. It was a nightmare! Keep it movin’, keep it movin’! You don’t wanna miss the Boonta Eve podrace for this… I must really love my job… They tell me I need a vacation, but vacations are for the weak! Sorry, enjoy your vacation… You know, for a lot of security droids, it’s just a job. But for me… it’s just a job. Keep it movin’. There ya go. Humans and humanoids: I’d like to report that all flights are on time today! I’d like to report that, but I actually have no information regarding your flights. Sorry. I’m supposed to report any suspicious-looking humanoids, but you all look suspicious to me. (Checking screen.) Okay. Human. Human. Human. (To PASSENGERS.) Wait! How do I know you’re not a shapeshifting Clawdite? Seriously — how do I know?! I don’t. So move along now. That’s it. There you go. (Checking screen.) Nice. (To PASSENGERS.) Sometimes powerful brainwave activity can interfere with my scanners, so make sure to clear your mind as you are being scanned. Excellent job, sir. Your mind is a complete blank. Okay. If you are an alien species, this is not the line you are looking for. Yes, I’m talking to you. And you. All right. Hey, great robot joke: what did the droid say to the human? 1001101001! (Laughs.) Right? Right? What, you don’t speak binary? All right, let’s move it along. Keep it movin’. You remind me of someone… except he’s green, but shorter than you, and speaks backwards. Other than that, you could be his twin. Keep it movin’, that’s it. I hope you enjoy your tour. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, and I wouldn’t do anything. That’s it. Keep it movin’. You’re in the correct line… for you. Hi there! Nice to scan ya. Long time, no see. My optic circuits have been out. They’re back now, and I see everything. That’s it. Move along. (Laughs.) How are ya? How ya doin’? How ’bout you? How’s it goin’ there, pal? Keep moving. How are ya? You look familiar to me. Have I scanned you somewhere before? Let’s keep it movin’. Let’s keep it close. (Checking his monitors.) Good. Good. Check. (To PASSENGERS.) Keep it movin’, humans! Those of you traveling with domesticated creatures, this is not your line. I’m talking to you, miss. Oh, is that your boyfriend? I’m terribly sorry. Keep it moving. Hold it right there — do you know who I am? Seriously, I just accidentally wiped my memory… I could use a little help here. I’m kidding! Or am I…? Keep it moving. Are you hot… or not? Because you’re coming up red on my scanner. Okay. Let’s keep it moving, let’s keep it close. Keep it tight. Right. All passengers must have flight glasses. Pick them up around the corner. They’re complimentary… but they’re not yours. Just give them back when the flight’s over. That’s all. Keep it movin’. Keep it movin’. So, are you traveling alone? Enjoy the peace and quiet… with the other 39 passengers. Yes, sir? You wanna know what time your flight is leaving? I have no idea. Move along. Keep it moving, there ya go. Keep moving. All right, keep it moving — nothing to see here… except that large, colorful projection of yourself being scanned. (Checking his monitors.) Good. Check. (To PASSENGERS.) Go about your business. Move along. Ah, it’s you again! About that little incident you caused last time you were here… don’t worry! Just keep that our little secret. (Aside.) Security, Sector 5. (To PASSENGERS.) No boarding passes are required; my scanner tells me who you are and what you are, and if you’re not who you are… what are you? (Beat.) How you doin’? Keep movin’. My name is G2-4T. That’s short for G2-4TT45579982DWP-403ST. That’s just my first name. I’d tell you my last name, but I don’t wanna hold up the line, so move along. That’s it. Move along. I just want you to know that the wait time from this point is currently 75 minutes. I’m just kidding! You should have seen your face! Gate’s right around the corner. All right, give me five. That’s how long my relationships last… five seconds. Good to see you again. Okay… I can’t think of anything more fun than scanning you people — wait, I just thought of something. (Checking his monitors.) Yeah. Good. (To PASSENGERS.) Thank you for flying with us today. We know that you have a choice in space flights. Well, actually, you don’t. You’re at a Star Tours terminal, so that’s what you’re flying today… like it or not. Keep it movin’. I love security — especially the part where I catch humans doing things they shouldn’t. Makes my day. You wanna be next? No? All right, then keep it movin’! I got my eyes on you. Not just these two — I’ve got others… but I’m not telling you where. Oh! That’s just what you’d like me to do, isn’t it? Well, I’m not doing it, so move along. Sir, I know what you’re up to. I can see right through you, and it’s not a pretty picture. (Checking his monitors.) Where do these humans get this stuff? (To PASSENGERS.) Here at Star Tours, we have a very specific boarding process… but I’m not going to tell you what it is. I’m not programmed for that, so keep it moving. There ya go. (Checking his monitors.) Good. (To PASSENGERS.) It’s been my pleasure scanning you today. And you. Not you. Move along. (Beat.) Are you sure you’re not Togruta, ’cause you’re coming up orange on my scanner. You, uh, look confused. Let’s keep it moving, let’s keep it close. My sensors tell me that some of you have been through here before. Don’t worry, we fixed the scanner problem, and I’m happy to see it hasn’t affected you. Or you. (Beat.) Movin’. Movin’ slowly. How’s the weather out there? You don’t need to answer — I don’t really care. I don’t get out that much. Okay, now, where was I? Oh, right. This thing is extremely sensitive, so don’t do a thing. (Alarm goes off.) Nothing to see here! Just keep moving! (Alarm fades out.) How you doin’? Keep movin’. All passengers must wear trans-dimensional optic-enhancement units… or as I like to call them, “flight glasses.” You can pick them up around the corner. Remember, you must return your glasses after your flight. Don’t make me come after you, because I will. Keep it movin’. Let’s keep it tight. All right, stay together, humans! Whoa, not too close! Okay, closer than that. Closer. Aaand, not that close. (Checks monitor. To PASSENGERS.) Attention: if you’re going to Alderaan today… you’re not. All flights to Alderaan have been canceled. Please see a gate attendant for rebooking — I’m sure everything is fine. Oh, I’ve seen you before. Sure, good to see you again. (Aside.) I’m programmed to say that. (To PASSENGERS.) Keep moving. Keep your party together… unless you’re not crazy about your party, and then feel free to take separate flights. (Checking his monitors.) No. Good. (To PASSENGERS.) Keep it movin’! Keep it movin’, one step in front of the other. Nice job, ma’am. Move along. Move along. Nicely done. You’ve done this before, haven’t you? You people seem to know what you’re doing… almost like you’ve been doing it all day long. I’m impressed. Move along. Keep it tight. Keep it close together — not too close! Greetings, sir and/or madam. We know that you have a choice of space lines and — ah, who are we kidding? You really haven’t. So move along. Just keep it moving. My scanner is able to identify over 14,000 different species of lifeforms. Human. Human. Wookiee…? Oh, I’m sorry. Human? Are you sure you aren’t a smart Wookiee? Okay. (Checking his monitors.) Check. Looking good.
(Loop begins again. Guests continue toward gates and get flight glasses from a cast member.)
PRESHOW VIDEO
C-3PO
R2-D2, thank goodness I caught you! I just received word that the captain is having some sort of technical problem.
R2-D2
(Whistles.)
C-3PO
And that’s why I’m the systems analyst and you are the astromech.
R2-D2
(Whistles.)
C-3PO
Don’t you tell me to hurry, you overgrown glob of grease! I know exactly what time you depart. You just do your job and I’ll do mine.
(PIT DROIDS attempt to clean the viewport but get frustrated. C-3PO enters the StarSpeeder 1000. An AC-38 droid, aka ACE, sits in the cockpit.)
C-3PO
Ah, excuse me captain.
ACE
Who are you?
C-3PO
C-3PO, systems analyst.
ACE
It’s about time. The binary motivator is acting up.
C-3PO
Well, binary is like a second language to me… but I can’t fix the motivator from here.
ACE
Just make it quick. We’re scheduled to depart in a few minutes. (He gets down from the cockpit and exits the StarSpeeder 1000.)
C-3PO
There’s no time to lose! Off with you. Go on. Shoo! Shoo! Tour droids… really. (He sits in the cockpit and the viewport door closes him in. Computer beeping.) What? Now this is malfunctioning too! This could take longer than I thought…
(Back outside, PIT DROIDS continue arguing. ACE exits the StarSpeeder 1000.)
MECHANIC
Hey AC-38!
ACE
Hey, wait! We’re scheduled to depart in a few minutes.
(MECHANIC uses a remote control to open the viewport from the outside. Star Tours logo appears on screen, followed by safety droid ALY SAN SAN.)
ALY SAN SAN
Please pay attention to the following safety information. When the automatic doors have opened, please proceed directly across the ramp, into the cabin. Continue to move all the way across your aisle, filling in every available seat. Galactic Regulations require that all carry-on items be safely stowed beneath your seats. To fasten your restraint, use the yellow strap to pull the belt out from the right side of the seat, and snap the belt into the buckle on your left. For your safety, remain seated throughout your flight, with your restraint securely fastened. And please, watch your children.
(Glitch. Spanish safety spiel. Glitch.)
Do not put on your flight glasses until instructed to do so by a crew member. One final reminder: smoking and photography are never permitted on any Star Tours flight. If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ask a Star Tours agent. You’ll be boarding in just a few moments! Thank you!
(Star Tours chime. On the screen, the StarSpeeder 1000 raises toward the boarding area. Doors open on screen and in the boarding area. Star Tours chime.)
COMPUTER
All passengers, please prepare for immediate boarding.
